I'm fat again.. Screw Halloween.

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Well, I guess I'm not going to that Halloween party I spent ages preparing for. I just heard more about it and the type of scenario I created for it due to the details I had been given made me discover it is not my scene. If you want to go to a place where the girls are being degraded by being dragged, bashed, and practically dry humped- no make that dry raped by the boys in the party, then so be it but it's not MY scene. I feel if I want to go to a party like that, I will lose my dignity. I don't want a boy behind me that I don't even know or I can't even see grinding behind me. So I guess I am staying with my Mum, and celebrating her birthday at a nice restaurant with her and my older sister. It should be nice because I have not been on a fun night out since I started school, apart from this event I went to a few days ago which is a whole different story which I will talk about later. I think it is for the best though, if I went to a party, I would just get drunk, and not remember what happened, then just be embarrassed about what I did the night before. "It's for the best Cleopvtrv, it's for the best." It's hard to admit but it really is for the best. A Halloween party will be so much fun, but I probably won't remember it, and it would just make me crave the party scene again. But I'm not going. It's also for the best. I've put on two pounds. I HAVE PUT ON TWO POUNDS. I am so angry because I fell back, I gave up for a while. I didn't go running last week. I have been eating more these few days. And why? Because I have been bottling up my emotions. Also because I have not been looking at thinspo, but mainly because I have been bottling up my emotions. So I'll let them out here. And if you are thinking; "Eurgh this annoying brat who wants everyone to know about her life and problems is going to rant about her non existent problems that she is making a big deal out of for no reason." then go, but I actually feel I should share it. Let's begin... I saw the boy I like in the year above me. (I can't keep giving him that long description every time I  talk about him, because I will be talking about him A LOT so we'll just call him "DABOY" yes, I like that, Daboy!) So I saw Daboy walking with his girlfriend to school and they were holding hands and kissing, which I wish I could be doing with him every day. If I did I would be content with life. Every time I see them together, it is like salt being poured in the wound in my heart, and right now, my heart is buried under this salt because I see them together all the time. It really hurts, but I have to get on with my life. I know it sounds pathetic, but he is the reason I wake up on time for school in the morning. To see him, whether he is with his girlfriend or not. It is as if she is just an obstruction on my quest to get to his heart. I just had to take some time to reflect on how cheesy that sounded. But apart from that, I am just drowned in such difficult work. I feel like I have jumped into the deep end and I'm drowning. I am doing well in class, but it is so hard to stay on top, and because previously I was very lazy in terms of work, my mother and sisters think that every time I am doing anything other that work, like this for example, it means I'm slacking, but it doesn't, it means I am spending some time with myself, indulged in my thoughts. All of these things irritate me and I can't argue my point, because it means, well it means I'm being rude and disrespectful, I don't want to be viewed like that so I have to hold in my anger. I hate it so much. These aspects of my life, and even more things, I think I am unaware of just make me eat and put on the weight like so. I just want Daboy to be mine! I don't know what he's done, but it's deep haha, I've never really liked a boy like this. He always gives me this look and slight smile which is as if he's saying "Don't worry, I don't love her, I'll be yours soon." But I'm making it all up in my head, he probably thinks I'm a psycho who stares at him all the time, and feels sorry for me, because he thinks I'm so gross. WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO PATHETIC?! I was just talking to my friend about people who think about what the love of their life will be called when they're older and happily married, but we have begun to wonder the names of our cats when we are lonely and withered. It's pretty true, I am such a hopeless romantic. Can't stop listening to "The End of The Road" Boyz II Men", it's just so fitting, and it just reminds me of him.


Cleopvtrv 

xoxoxoxo

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