Epiphany after epiphany after epiphany
The older I get, I find that I have more frequent and stronger epiphanies. I also find these epiphanies all have a recurring theme, being that it always has something to do with me getting older and getting closer to what I envisaged myself being and looking like as an adult, when I was younger. I had a vague picture in my mind, but I wasn't sure if I would be able to get there at various phases of life. In retrospect, I am coming to terms with the fact that it has been really tough to get at the stage I am at now, and that I have done a whole lot to get where I'm at now, although, I frequently forget the struggle and hard work it took to get here, because I haven't yet got a job or achieved everything that I sometimes feel I could potentially achieve at 22. Some of these things are extremely materialistic things, like my own place, or my own car, or even driving lessons. But I have beyond a doubt, done a whole LOT.
I think that now that I'm sexually active, I am also discovering so many new things about myself, and my identity. Not only do I highly enjoy sex, but I think the fact that I have identified my sexuality, (in moderation) has made me more in tune with who I am and I now view myself as an adult. Admittedly, I believe it's tough to ever completely see yourself as a complete adult, especially me, who is the youngest sibling, who has been spoiled and littled for her whole life, but I definitely feel more of an adult now. It's not solely a sexual thing, I am thinking about important things and decisions I will need to be making towards the near future and the far future!
When I first made this blog, I was in college, 17(or 16, I have to double check) years old, and I had just deleted all of my social media in order to focus on my studies, but I was really struggling there, with my friendship group and my own self-esteem and lack of confidence issues, especially surrounding my weight. I have never been particularly fat, but I feel like weight and pressing issues like body dysmorphia and eating disorders are and were very prominent in that environment, and in my friendship group. Not necessarily issues so extreme as eating disorders (perhaps, actually, you never know) but just an unhealthy, competitive view towards weight loss and being skinny. It was really unhealthy for me to be in that mindset and environment, that I found myself spending a lot of time in isolation, and having to delete my social media. I found myself in a similar position about 6 years down the line. I spent some time with some college friends and I felt extremely distant from them. Once I started uni I got back onto social media, mainly to keep track of the names of all the new people I was meeting, but now that I'm 22 and I am thinking a bit more productively and strongly about my future, like my job and my life, now that I'm out of the university bubble, I don't really need any of that stupid and useless content on social media that I used to spend hours scrolling through, or just viewing pointless snapchat stories, again, I have deleted it all again, and have been off of it for about 5 months. VERY LIBERATING...
ANYWAY, back to my earlier point, when I was spending time with my college friends, I felt very isolated, because they were still so engrossed in the happenings of social media topics that I was not so fond of, and were still talking a lot about the damaging factors which I was trying to avoid all the way back in college. I am sure in one of my earlier posts, I mentioned feeling a drift from my friends, and no longer being as close I once was, and this feeling hasn't changed. We're even in a group chat and I am constantly ignored when I make a point or mention something, or even ask a question. It's as if I can't freely express myself. This is why each of my posts is filled with so much content! I don't necessarily want to cut them off or leave the friendship group, I am just looking forward to broadening my horizons, and getting into a job or something, and meeting more people around me in various places where we share more similar opinions and I don't constantly feel as dismissed or ignored. This is no way near a cry for help or an "oh my friends are so horrible to me, I'm such a victim" claim, it's just another one of my epiphanies, I am just growing apart from my previous group of friends.
I started writing this entry just to give an update about how things are going now, but I have been looking through my old blog entries, and I feel, despite trying my best to keep you updated throughout my busy years of university, I did not get into enough depth. Also, I started all the way at the beginning, my first blog post, and when I say I can literally notice the journey of maturity, post by post, it's crazy. Even with something as small as typos. If you are new here, I strongly suggest you start at the beginning if you really want to contextualise things. Anyway, if you view my blog or have any interest in my page, please comment, but I personally think a lot of very major and important things were summarised because I had other more important and pressing issues to me (at the time) that I wanted to talk about. My final year in university was such a struggle, and so stressful, that I am having to look through pictures to remind me of things that I completely forgot about. Like I forgot to mention that in the summer before my final year, I went to America for 5 months in relation to my degree, and that process alone was such a struggle. I believe I should write another entry, in the near future enlightening you about my final year...Au contraire, I don't know if it's worth going in to toooooo much depth about a past period I struggled through, because I use this platform as a place for progression and a place to just talk about occurrences in my life and how I want to better my life and my experiences, and not to dwell in the past. So... I'll see.
One thing I can say for sure though, is that I am kind of in a position of limbo at the moment. I am looking for a job. I have to constantly find ways to remain active and not just laze about at home, eating. I suppose one way in which I can remain productive or even just do something at a time where I would otherwise be doing nothing, would be writing more blog entries, with more free time, I will be able to write more frequently.
But for now, it's really late/early, it has just past 2am, and I need to get some sleep!
Love,
Cleopvtrv
xoxoxoxxoxo
I think that now that I'm sexually active, I am also discovering so many new things about myself, and my identity. Not only do I highly enjoy sex, but I think the fact that I have identified my sexuality, (in moderation) has made me more in tune with who I am and I now view myself as an adult. Admittedly, I believe it's tough to ever completely see yourself as a complete adult, especially me, who is the youngest sibling, who has been spoiled and littled for her whole life, but I definitely feel more of an adult now. It's not solely a sexual thing, I am thinking about important things and decisions I will need to be making towards the near future and the far future!
When I first made this blog, I was in college, 17(or 16, I have to double check) years old, and I had just deleted all of my social media in order to focus on my studies, but I was really struggling there, with my friendship group and my own self-esteem and lack of confidence issues, especially surrounding my weight. I have never been particularly fat, but I feel like weight and pressing issues like body dysmorphia and eating disorders are and were very prominent in that environment, and in my friendship group. Not necessarily issues so extreme as eating disorders (perhaps, actually, you never know) but just an unhealthy, competitive view towards weight loss and being skinny. It was really unhealthy for me to be in that mindset and environment, that I found myself spending a lot of time in isolation, and having to delete my social media. I found myself in a similar position about 6 years down the line. I spent some time with some college friends and I felt extremely distant from them. Once I started uni I got back onto social media, mainly to keep track of the names of all the new people I was meeting, but now that I'm 22 and I am thinking a bit more productively and strongly about my future, like my job and my life, now that I'm out of the university bubble, I don't really need any of that stupid and useless content on social media that I used to spend hours scrolling through, or just viewing pointless snapchat stories, again, I have deleted it all again, and have been off of it for about 5 months. VERY LIBERATING...
ANYWAY, back to my earlier point, when I was spending time with my college friends, I felt very isolated, because they were still so engrossed in the happenings of social media topics that I was not so fond of, and were still talking a lot about the damaging factors which I was trying to avoid all the way back in college. I am sure in one of my earlier posts, I mentioned feeling a drift from my friends, and no longer being as close I once was, and this feeling hasn't changed. We're even in a group chat and I am constantly ignored when I make a point or mention something, or even ask a question. It's as if I can't freely express myself. This is why each of my posts is filled with so much content! I don't necessarily want to cut them off or leave the friendship group, I am just looking forward to broadening my horizons, and getting into a job or something, and meeting more people around me in various places where we share more similar opinions and I don't constantly feel as dismissed or ignored. This is no way near a cry for help or an "oh my friends are so horrible to me, I'm such a victim" claim, it's just another one of my epiphanies, I am just growing apart from my previous group of friends.
I started writing this entry just to give an update about how things are going now, but I have been looking through my old blog entries, and I feel, despite trying my best to keep you updated throughout my busy years of university, I did not get into enough depth. Also, I started all the way at the beginning, my first blog post, and when I say I can literally notice the journey of maturity, post by post, it's crazy. Even with something as small as typos. If you are new here, I strongly suggest you start at the beginning if you really want to contextualise things. Anyway, if you view my blog or have any interest in my page, please comment, but I personally think a lot of very major and important things were summarised because I had other more important and pressing issues to me (at the time) that I wanted to talk about. My final year in university was such a struggle, and so stressful, that I am having to look through pictures to remind me of things that I completely forgot about. Like I forgot to mention that in the summer before my final year, I went to America for 5 months in relation to my degree, and that process alone was such a struggle. I believe I should write another entry, in the near future enlightening you about my final year...Au contraire, I don't know if it's worth going in to toooooo much depth about a past period I struggled through, because I use this platform as a place for progression and a place to just talk about occurrences in my life and how I want to better my life and my experiences, and not to dwell in the past. So... I'll see.
One thing I can say for sure though, is that I am kind of in a position of limbo at the moment. I am looking for a job. I have to constantly find ways to remain active and not just laze about at home, eating. I suppose one way in which I can remain productive or even just do something at a time where I would otherwise be doing nothing, would be writing more blog entries, with more free time, I will be able to write more frequently.
But for now, it's really late/early, it has just past 2am, and I need to get some sleep!
Love,
Cleopvtrv
xoxoxoxxoxo
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