8 Years Later...

 Hi, hello, hello, hi.

It's me again. Long time no see... I can't lie — the experiences I have had since my last entry and this one have been even more enlightening and character building than any of the previous posts I read through. My last post was in 2018. Twenty-bloody-eighteen. It's 2026 now. That was 8 years ago. Life is so different now. So much has happened in my life. Good, bad, ugly, depressing, mourning, disturbing, shocking, hilarious, monumental, healthy, unhealthy. 

When I look back at my old posts, I think about how naive I was about so many things, but I'm so so proud of that young Cleopvtrv. So extremely proud because she had such a strong head on her shoulders. Regardless of all the situations she faced, she still listened to herself throughout her life. I think there is a sense of awareness that writing on this blog brings me. It's a reminder of who I am, who I've been, who I have desired to be, what I wanted in the past and how those wants and desires drastically change over the years.

I'm not going to write a whole summary of what has happened in the past eight years. There is no point. It's the past, and I'm going to leave it there for a reason. I'm now 30 years old. I can't even believe I'm writing that on this blog. It's crazy to think I still have ties to a piece of work(?) project(?) that I started at around 16/17 years old. The thing is, that girl is still me, and I want this blog to be authentic. I didn't start writing it for anyone. In all honesty, I started it after watching that show Awkward, where that girl — what was her name? Jenna? — had an anon blog where she just wrote everything, and it was used as a clever narration for the show. I was also heavily influenced by Carrie from SATC for a period of time when I started watching it in uni. I never completely got through that show, but hey, I digress.

I didn't start writing this blog because I wanted people to see it, I started it because I felt trapped and pressured in 6th form (college) and quite alone, to be honest. I had drifted apart from my group of friends, and I could feel the general toxic ways of thinking rubbing off on me. They still affect me to this day. Reading some of my previous attitudes towards weight and my body and how I felt about myself is such a sobering thing, because this stuff has been affecting me for YEARS. Since I was about 10 I was upset about what my scale was showing me — aren't we all just pre-pubescent kids with chubby cheeks and weird teeth? Up until now, I have an unhealthy attitude towards my weight and body— unhealthy tendencies, rather. I have done a lot of work to change my overall way of thinking. I was in a VERY toxic relationship with someone from 2019-2021 and the impact of that and lockdown/the pandemic at the same time affected my eating habits, stress levels etc. I put on a lot of weight, to the point where it wasn't even dysmorphia anymore(early entries will show you it's clearly dysmorphia), I genuinely felt uncomfortable, and could not fit any of my clothes. Things drastically changed and I could literally SEE the impacts.

There is a huge difference between being in toxic situations with men who don't take you seriously and being in a controlling and mentally draining/physically draining/psychologically abusive relationship. I truly believe that man chipped and chipped and chipped away every single spark I had in myself. A lot of the things that made me the amazing girl-into-woman I had become in the previous entries, to the point that not only could I not physically recognise myself, I just became a pacifier. An agreeable woman who accepted her destiny to become a boring housewife with no goals, no joy and just dreams of how things could become, but never will get any better. It's easier to get over a guy who doesn't take you seriously, and just whispers the sweet nothings to you and 500 other women, but makes it clear he wants nothing serious with you. BUT the issue is, when you experience that so much and then you come across someone who seems to desire you so intensely that you literally see their pupils dilate whenever they get close to you, you think this is something you must cherish, this is something you must keep close and make it work.

The main issue between us was that he didn't hear the word "no" when it came from me. He didn't understand that "no" is a full sentence. "no" shouldn't need any further explanation, and as someone who was aware that I had been sexually assaulted in the past, I would've expected more/better from him, but if he doesn't listen to me in most instances, what would make him suddenly listen to me in the bedroom? Our arguments were so strenuous on my brain that I would always end up with a headache and it was just genuinely stressing me out. One final straw was when he threw something at me, so aggressively and some of his incel ways of thinking, I just was like "nah, this ain't it." That combined with a whole bunch of other things pushed me to end it. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy — I have to be honest, the sex was FABULOUS. FAAAAAAABULOUS — that was one of the main reasons I stayed for so long, but it's not all about sex. I love it, but it's not all about sex, haha.

I was living in my mum's house until 2024, and I moved out, rented somewhere which was closer to my place of work. It was a decent job I had, yes, had. I was there for 3 years and in March of last year, they decided they were done with me, made me redundant. The payout was okay, but it wasn't enough for me to continue renting there logically, so I moved back in with my mum last year and it was great being back in London (I moved to a place close to, but not in London — obviously, HAVE YOU SEEN THE RENT PRICES???!) but from the time I moved back with my mum, to the time of me writing this blog post, I have not been able to find another job. The first 5 months were great when I had some money, but now, it's just an ongoing, demoralising experience. I have applied for so many jobs and just got straight up rejections. I've been feeling particularly low recently because I got to the final stage of an interview, and they decided on another "more experienced" candidate. For a junior role. Anyway. I've vented enough in my personal life about that whole situation, I won't waste my breath on here.

What's new in the world since my last post in 2018? AI is taking over!!! I became besties with chatGPT and yeah COVID basically fucked a bunch of things up where dependency (dependency or dependence?) — whichever is correctererr (haha) — on smartphones, automated devices and AI just surged, social media interactions surged alongside it, and all forms of authenticity in life just plummeted. Everything just feels so robotic and unnatural. Forced and performative. So I decided to do something today, I decided I will get rid of my smartphone. I locked it upstairs in a cupboard I will struggle to reach for it in, and I already feel lighter. I ordered an LG KS360 (throwback riiiiight?!) and I will only have whatsapp on my laptop for important people in my life. I just feel so drained by all the work I have been doing towards finding a new job and even completing interview tasks for this previous job I was rejected for. I watched a video on how dependent we are on our smartphones and it dawned on me, I am watching this shit ON MY SMARTPHONE. I need to get out of this horrible loop. I wake up, doomscroll on tiktok, doomscroll on linkedin jobs, doomscroll on indeed, all this pointless scrolling out of ultimately desperation for a job. It doesn't make the job come any faster. When it happens, it'll happen. It might not be in the way I want it to — I might end up going from working as a web developer for 3 years to working in retail next — but at the end of the day, it's all shitty capitalism. I just need money, and when it happens for me, it will (she says, hyper-optimistically).

One thing that makes me so happy is that I truly believe I have met the love of my life. We have been together for a year and he honestly is one of the greatest men I have ever known. I do not know many great men. He is so caring and has such a calming aura. Whenever I am stressed about something, he's always there to give me care-packages of random stuff he knows I'll appreciate, he will drive me around London when I want to get out of the house — yeaaaa I still don't know how to drive, hopefully I'll get that sorted soon— he's just so loving and accepting of who I am, whatever state I am. He came over yesterday and we were just chatting for hours and hours and hours. Then randomly kissing passionately out of no-where, then going back to chatting for hours. I can't lie, I don't understand how that happened because neither of us was really feeling sHmExUaL like that, but it would just escalate, then we'd start talking again, haha. It was funny. I never really understood what love felt like, and if I was ever in love. When I would ask someone "how do you know you're in love?" and they'd respond with "you just know", I'd be like bullllshitttt. There's no way I've never been in love. But it wasn't until I met this man that I realised those people were all right. I haven't ever been in love. I felt attached, I felt desperation, I felt desire, but love is different and I'm really enjoying it so far. It's coming up to 2 years, and I am constantly wishing that it was him I had met in 2019 and not my ex. But I suppose everything happens for a reason.

I also have a son. His name is Bagheera and he turned 2 yesterday. He's a greedy little thing, eats everything he sees, is one of the sweetest and most affectionate beings I know. He also has four legs and is a cat (lol, tricked ya). I always wanted a cat, I'm sure I even mentioned it in previous posts, so when I met Bagheera as a kitten, I knew he was going to be mine. He is the best thing I have ever had. He is such a sweetheart and is almost in tune with my emotions. When I'm feeling down, he comes to cuddle with me, when I'm stressed, he's always there to hang out with, but he also has such a fun and playful side. I can't get enough of him. I never understood the love you could have for a pet until I came across this little guy. I had a few pets as a child, but the bond was different. Bubba is honestly like a son to me, and I just always want to make sure he feels safe and protected, and most importantly loved. Sometimes I wish cats could talk so I'd be able to know what this little guy is thinking. He's one of the very few things that gets me through these low times when I'm applying for these stupid jobs and experiencing depression. He's what gets me up in the morning — quite literally, because I have to fill up his food bowl (lol!).

All in all, I am grateful for what I have in my life, I just finished a yoga session and I am part of a group that pushes young women to feel a greater sense of confidence in themselves after years of being put down in the workspace, school, unemployment, hospitals, all the industries. We do different activities every week and I have been doing it for the past 6 weeks now. It has definitely lifted my spirits in this dark time. I think it even partially influenced my decision to get rid of my phone. I have the most supportive family and friends around me too. I really enjoyed writing this update and I hope to write many more entries in my smartphone-free life. I was initially apprehensive because I just saw a blank sheet and my last post was so long ago but this is MY blog! Cleopvtrv has ALWAYS had time for Cleopvtrv. It feels like I'm speaking to the Cleopvtrv who started this blog and there's something so beautiful and grounding about that.

I'm not even going to go back and read through this because 1, it's long and I can't be bothered and 2, I rarely did that with my old posts so I'll continue the trend.

I'm so happy to have come back here, I feel so at home and I am almost certain, you'll be hearing more from me.

Lots of love,

Cleopvtrv

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox